There she was wriggling around on the floor crying out for help, "Momma, Momma!" She had fallen face down on the ground, both arms completely full, hugging tightly onto her "Dawgie" and "Buppy". I quickly knelt beside her, "Bella let go of your animals, so that you can stand up."
"Up! Up!" she whined looking up at me attempting to roll over onto her back, her grip never breaking from her stuffed animals. "Momma! Uppppp!"
I began to gently pry the two dogs one by one out of her death grip. "Bella you have to let go, you need to stand up."
Sure, I could have easily picked her up and had her on her way within seconds, but this one minute of patience and teaching was actually in me today, of all days. As she let go of one puppy after the other she grasped onto my hands to stand up. Then in all her tears she gave me a hug and I picked her up smashing a huge kiss on her cheek.
Little did I know how God was going to use this incident in my life just a few days/weeks down the road. It began as a little prayer request, "I want God to show me moments in which I can draw closer to him." I had this feeling of being consumed by, ugh I dread this word, "busy". My day fully packed and not to mention a toddler full of energy and another prepping for his debut into the world. Drained and distant I made the request.
And he did.
He showed me:
This process began by limiting my Social Media time and turning the off the TV during the day {you know - that wonderful background noise}.
Then he began to work on my other hand and in the car I switched to gospel based podcasts, YouVersion listener's bible [beginning in the book of Matthew], and even "silence" {because you know Isabella is anything but silent}.
After successfully removing the two obstacles keeping me from standing up and running into his arms, he began to help me stand.
The first night was this past Sunday. I had taken on this notion that Bella was ready to be potty trained. So I thought, why not try? Sunday was day two and it just was not working. I reached out to a friend and asked for help, but she could not offer any advice. I began to become angry and emotional. "I'm a failure", "I'm overambitious", "I'm a horrible mother." These words were screaming through my brain when the Holy Spirit chimed in, "Your identity is not found in motherhood, it is found in Christ. If you believe these lies about yourself then you are worshipping motherhood. You no longer find yourself as a child of God, a friend of Jesus, no longer a slave to sin, made new and whole, a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you. So what do you choose?"
Peace rushed in and my heart began to heal. One foot on the ground. One foot.
A kiss on the heart - a wound being healed.
However, as my heart found itself healed - my body physically broke. Picking up my sweet daughter {while carrying the weight my son at 32 weeks along} my back spasmed out. Now I have a history of back issues and typically it's a few visits to the chiropractor and about a week of rest. As the day bore on, my back worsened with an unrelenting cycle of spasms and sharp pains.
Bedtime looked like a one arm swing of my toddler over her crib, dropping her in and having her pull her blankets up and gather her dolls because I could not lean forward without tears escaping my eyes.
After she was down for the night, I grabbed a swig of Nyquil {don't judge} and laid down in bed finding sleep.
My back and legs in full spasm, my eyes flew open. With tears pouring out I reached for my phone and it read 10:30 pm. I needed to stand up and go to the restroom, but I could not move. I could not roll. I could not wiggle out of what felt like my grave. In my head I told myself that I would call my mother in law in the morning to come and take Bella for the day since there would be no way I could care for her in this condition. About ten minutes later I had managed to use my right arm to drag my body to the side of the bed and as if a board being thrown against a wall I stood up. Fire across my body amidst clenched teeth I managed to use the restroom and return to bed without crumpling to the floor.
At 1:30am the same pain woke me. Only this time, moments after my eyes sprang open, my daughter began to scream. Not just a nighttime cry, but a full on shout of terror. I had to get up but my body was in the midst of a spasm, how would I ever --
"You read Matthew 17 today. What did it say about the disciples not having faith enough to heal? Jesus said to them, 'if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" the holy spirit beckoned, "Pray that scripture, pray healing."
So I did. Hand on my back, I prayed. Not a long exhausted prayer, maybe barely making it to a minute or two in length when I heard "Get up." What? "Rise out of bed."
I thought, but I was just in pain - wouldn't my prayer need to be longer and more holy than that little cry of scripture? {You know God probably rolled his eyes at that thought}
Then I stood up without another moment of delay, walked effortlessly to my daughter, picked her up out of the crib, rocked her and sang her to sleep, laid her back down, and walked to my room.
Returning to my room I stood in awe - I am pain free.
I jumped in the air because surely if a woman who was 32 weeks pregnant jumped in the air she'd feel some sort of pain.
None.
I touched my toes.
No pain.
I laid in bed,
sat up in bed,
laid back down,
sat back up.
No pain.
I moved every which way.
Nothing.
{Y'all I'm seriously laughing picturing this all in my head after the fact.}
Tears flooded down and God stood me up now on two feet. My hands empty from obedience, I wrapped them around him and drew closer than I've ever felt before.
That morning {today!} I woke completely pain free and felt that kiss on my cheek. That joyful moment in which freedom seeps into your life because you have allowed yourself to be so fully loved and so fully cared for. That moment where you realize all that has happened in the last few weeks and years with your heart is all his doing and all for his glory and for his handwriting in your story.
So friend I ask you, what do you need to let go of to draw closer to the one who loves you. What is God whispering into your life to give to him so he can help you up and wrap you in his love?
I pray that you see his glory through my story. That you see how he shines in yours, as well.
"Up! Up!" she whined looking up at me attempting to roll over onto her back, her grip never breaking from her stuffed animals. "Momma! Uppppp!"
I began to gently pry the two dogs one by one out of her death grip. "Bella you have to let go, you need to stand up."
Sure, I could have easily picked her up and had her on her way within seconds, but this one minute of patience and teaching was actually in me today, of all days. As she let go of one puppy after the other she grasped onto my hands to stand up. Then in all her tears she gave me a hug and I picked her up smashing a huge kiss on her cheek.
***
Little did I know how God was going to use this incident in my life just a few days/weeks down the road. It began as a little prayer request, "I want God to show me moments in which I can draw closer to him." I had this feeling of being consumed by, ugh I dread this word, "busy". My day fully packed and not to mention a toddler full of energy and another prepping for his debut into the world. Drained and distant I made the request.
And he did.
He showed me:
- my cell phone use,
- my social media use,
- my tv time,
- my radio in the car
This process began by limiting my Social Media time and turning the off the TV during the day {you know - that wonderful background noise}.
Then he began to work on my other hand and in the car I switched to gospel based podcasts, YouVersion listener's bible [beginning in the book of Matthew], and even "silence" {because you know Isabella is anything but silent}.
After successfully removing the two obstacles keeping me from standing up and running into his arms, he began to help me stand.
The first night was this past Sunday. I had taken on this notion that Bella was ready to be potty trained. So I thought, why not try? Sunday was day two and it just was not working. I reached out to a friend and asked for help, but she could not offer any advice. I began to become angry and emotional. "I'm a failure", "I'm overambitious", "I'm a horrible mother." These words were screaming through my brain when the Holy Spirit chimed in, "Your identity is not found in motherhood, it is found in Christ. If you believe these lies about yourself then you are worshipping motherhood. You no longer find yourself as a child of God, a friend of Jesus, no longer a slave to sin, made new and whole, a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you. So what do you choose?"
Peace rushed in and my heart began to heal. One foot on the ground. One foot.
A kiss on the heart - a wound being healed.
However, as my heart found itself healed - my body physically broke. Picking up my sweet daughter {while carrying the weight my son at 32 weeks along} my back spasmed out. Now I have a history of back issues and typically it's a few visits to the chiropractor and about a week of rest. As the day bore on, my back worsened with an unrelenting cycle of spasms and sharp pains.
Bedtime looked like a one arm swing of my toddler over her crib, dropping her in and having her pull her blankets up and gather her dolls because I could not lean forward without tears escaping my eyes.
After she was down for the night, I grabbed a swig of Nyquil {don't judge} and laid down in bed finding sleep.
My back and legs in full spasm, my eyes flew open. With tears pouring out I reached for my phone and it read 10:30 pm. I needed to stand up and go to the restroom, but I could not move. I could not roll. I could not wiggle out of what felt like my grave. In my head I told myself that I would call my mother in law in the morning to come and take Bella for the day since there would be no way I could care for her in this condition. About ten minutes later I had managed to use my right arm to drag my body to the side of the bed and as if a board being thrown against a wall I stood up. Fire across my body amidst clenched teeth I managed to use the restroom and return to bed without crumpling to the floor.
At 1:30am the same pain woke me. Only this time, moments after my eyes sprang open, my daughter began to scream. Not just a nighttime cry, but a full on shout of terror. I had to get up but my body was in the midst of a spasm, how would I ever --
"You read Matthew 17 today. What did it say about the disciples not having faith enough to heal? Jesus said to them, 'if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" the holy spirit beckoned, "Pray that scripture, pray healing."
So I did. Hand on my back, I prayed. Not a long exhausted prayer, maybe barely making it to a minute or two in length when I heard "Get up." What? "Rise out of bed."
I thought, but I was just in pain - wouldn't my prayer need to be longer and more holy than that little cry of scripture? {You know God probably rolled his eyes at that thought}
Then I stood up without another moment of delay, walked effortlessly to my daughter, picked her up out of the crib, rocked her and sang her to sleep, laid her back down, and walked to my room.
Returning to my room I stood in awe - I am pain free.
I jumped in the air because surely if a woman who was 32 weeks pregnant jumped in the air she'd feel some sort of pain.
None.
I touched my toes.
No pain.
I laid in bed,
sat up in bed,
laid back down,
sat back up.
No pain.
I moved every which way.
Nothing.
{Y'all I'm seriously laughing picturing this all in my head after the fact.}
Tears flooded down and God stood me up now on two feet. My hands empty from obedience, I wrapped them around him and drew closer than I've ever felt before.
That morning {today!} I woke completely pain free and felt that kiss on my cheek. That joyful moment in which freedom seeps into your life because you have allowed yourself to be so fully loved and so fully cared for. That moment where you realize all that has happened in the last few weeks and years with your heart is all his doing and all for his glory and for his handwriting in your story.
So friend I ask you, what do you need to let go of to draw closer to the one who loves you. What is God whispering into your life to give to him so he can help you up and wrap you in his love?
I pray that you see his glory through my story. That you see how he shines in yours, as well.
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